Lemmings Forums

Off-Topic Boards => General Discussion => Topic started by: arttu98 on December 27, 2013, 04:49:46 PM

Title: Post some jokes here!
Post by: arttu98 on December 27, 2013, 04:49:46 PM
Post some funny jokes here!

Why did the lemming cross the road?
-Because he had no diggers, he couldn't dig under it!
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: namida on December 29, 2013, 04:44:07 AM
I prefer a different answer to that, "Because there were no blockers stopping him." xD
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: GigaLem on December 29, 2013, 05:01:04 AM
I wish there was a way to make Sonic '06 better
but ITS NO USE
........
(if you don't get it this will explain the joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XvsT6RCLUM caution: language)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: namida on December 29, 2013, 05:48:58 AM
WARNING: This joke is slightly racist. However, it's not so bad because it doesn't really matter *which* two races you use, it can work with any.


A Mexican walks into a bar and sees a black barkeeper working there, so he says to him, "Oi, darkie, gimme a beer!"
The barkeeper looks at him and says, "Look, I'll get you your beer, but I'd appreciate it if you watch what you say in here."
The Mexican just gives him a dirty look, takes his beer, and starts drinking it.
5 minutes later, he's finished it, and yells "Oi coon, I want another beer!"
At this point, the black guy is furious. He yells at the Mexican, "Why are you saying that crap! How would you like it if you were working here and I started calling you slurs?"
The Mexican replies "I don't know to be honest. Why don't we swap places and find out?"
So the Mexican puts on the bar uniform, starts scrubbing dishes and serving customers. The black guy walks out, and walks back in casually dressed.
The black guy sits down at the bar, and yells "Oi, spic, gimme a beer!"
The Mexican looks at him and calmly replies, "I'm sorry. We don't serve niggers here."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on December 30, 2013, 12:09:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THKONRG1zGg

I recommend watching the whole show. Bill Cosby's first stand up in three decades, still very funny.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: grams88 on December 30, 2013, 01:20:45 AM
I might copy a joke I posted on another forum.

One time my dad was going to the doctors because he had a sore back.
(The doctor started the conservation)

How can I help you sir?

Dad said my back is killing me.

Doctor, what is wrong with your back.

Dad, everytime I sit down my back gets sore.

Doctor, I get that sometimes when I sit down my back gets sore.

Dad, You can use a cushion to lean against.

Doctor, you know what I never thought of that but it doesn't help with the pain in my arm.

Dad, I know a specialist my friend I could refer you to, what about I give him a phone tonight,

Doctor, That would be great well hope you have a good day.

Dad, See you after, hope you get better.

(As soon as my dad left the the surgery he thought to himself what the hell just happened there I was meant to have been giving advice how come it was the other way around)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: GuyPerfect on December 30, 2013, 04:02:00 PM
So what's the deal with that 'what's the deal with airline food' joke? It seems everyone's aware of the notion that it's supposed to be a terrible non-joke, but then again, nobody except nobody actually understands where the humor supposedly comes from.

See, there's three kinds of people who respond to the phrase "What's the deal with airline food?":

1) "Ugh, boooo! Get off the stage!"
2) "I don't get it. What's so funny about that?"
3) "That's just it. It's NOT funny! Hahahaha!"

Of the three, only number 2 is showing any sense, because 1 and 3 aren't even thinking about it. Be careful about replying to this, since you'll probably just wind up in group 3. (-: Think about it, have you ever heard anyone explain why it's supposed to be funny? Of all the people you've ever talked to who supposedly "get it", have they ever elaborated on it? I've seen my fair share of "But when someone explained it to me, I sure felt silly!", but not a one ever went into detail. The closest thing I've ever found to an explanation is "airline food is terrible", which... isn't a joke.

I set out to find the hidden meaning of "airline food" and, much to my amusement, found that nobody knows why everyone thinks it's a joke. Because, as it turns out, it's not a joke or even a non-joke. It was a segue between bits during a performance by one Jerry Seinfeld, where he was telling jokes about the airplane travel experience. It was simply a way to transition into jokes about the food served on airplanes; the line itself was never meant to be humorous. The fullest context of how it gained its current status as a lame joke may have been lost to time, but it's always linked to lousy comics ripping off other people's acts. It would be like someone saying "in other news" and the audience groaning.

Aaaaaaaanyhoo, seeing as how this is a thread about actual jokes, I present you with two subtle variations that actually do genuinely include humorous intent:

1) So what's up with airline food?
2) So what's the deal with Monty Hall?
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: namida on January 07, 2014, 01:34:53 PM
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: namida on March 14, 2014, 01:02:10 AM
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be a trinary joke.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on March 14, 2014, 02:33:42 AM
heard this on How it's Made; the real reason airline food tastes less than great is because being in high altitudes of the plane actually makes your tasts buds not work as well. I don't remember why though.

-------
An old man goes into the doctor hobbling over awkwardly on a short cane. A few minutes later he comes out walking tall and proud with a smile on his face. A man in the waiting room asks the doctor what he did to help the old man. The doctor said; "I gave him a taller cane."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: RubiX on March 20, 2014, 06:08:05 PM
What did one lawyer say to the other ?


We're lawyers
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: grams88 on June 03, 2016, 12:24:24 AM
Why did the dog go into the fire? To become a hotdog

I know it's a very bad joke.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: IchoTolot on June 03, 2016, 06:21:18 PM
Ok then I will drop one as well :)



A little one-man-plane crashes into the jungle. The man survives, gets off the plane and saw himself surrounded by a wild native tribe.

He says: "Oh no, now I'm fucked!"

Then a dark voice speaks to him: "No, you are not! Go to the chieftain, grab his spear and kill him"

The man runs to the chieftain, quickly grabs his spear and kills him violently.

"And now?" he askes.

The voice replies:"Now you're fucked!"
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 03, 2016, 10:27:52 PM
A man walks into a bar and notices there are several slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling by ropes.
He asks the bartender, "Why are there slices of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's one of the special things about this bar. Any customer can take the meat challenge here."
The man asks, "What's the meat challenge?"
The bartender answered, "You can try to jump as high as you can and see if you can touch the meat. If you succeed, you get free drinks for an hour, but if you fail, then you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar."
The man said, "That is an interesting challenge."
The bartender asked him, "Would you like to give it a try?"
The man stopped, pondered for a while, and then shook his head saying, "I don't think so. The steaks are too high."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: grams88 on June 05, 2016, 09:29:36 PM
Liking those ones Ichotolot and Colorful Arty. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

This one might not be a joke as such but it was one I posted on another website. Maybe a funny story.

I decided to make the plunge and go and visit an old school friend who I have not seen for ages. When I arrived she was very welcoming and was so happy to see me so we started talking about old times. I felt sort of hungry so I asked if she had anything to eat and she said sure I'll will get you a little something, She also asked if I would like a glass of wine, I don't really take alcohol but I did not want to offend her by saying no so I said yes I will try some wine. She let me pour the wine myself and looking at the bottle of wine it looked expensive but I did not want to ask how much it was.

She offered me some donuts and sweets, I jumped at the chance and was munching on about 5 donuts. She kept of offering me donuts it got to the stage I said that's enough for me that's me full up.

At the end of the day it was good catching up on old issues and talking about times at school so I said goodbye to her and was so happy.

(The Days after that)

A couple of days after my mum was mentioning you have a bill from someone, I checked the bill and it was mentioning how many days I have left to pay the bill before action is taking. (I was so scared)

My mum was asking what's the bill for and I said I have no idea.

I read through the bill and the list was massive.

It had a list of the donuts and sweets I ate at my friends house also listing the prices beside them which looked reasonable. I was looking through the bill and noticed the bottle of wine I could not believe it she charged me for the full bottle. At the end I had to pay her court costs as the case went to court and I lost the case as the judge said I accepted the food and drink as soon as I walked in.

(Then I found out that it was just a dream) Imagine if that did happen to someone.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 10, 2016, 05:04:46 PM
Three men walked into a bar.

You'd think the third one would have ducked.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Wafflem on June 10, 2016, 05:10:30 PM
How do you make a whale float?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 10, 2016, 05:13:56 PM
It's difficult to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Wafflem on June 10, 2016, 05:16:33 PM
What has four wheels and flies?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 10, 2016, 05:26:52 PM
A man had to cross a mountain range to visit his friend in the nearby village, however he was poor and couldn't afford a good horse.
A man who sold horses felt sympathy for him, and offered to sell him a very fast horse for a price he could afford.
"Here's the thing," the man said. "This horse is very peculiar. He will only respond to very specific commands. He will only start running if you say "Praise the Lord" and he will only stop if you say "Lord, please have mercy on me".

The man in need of a horse thought this was odd, but bought the horse and rode it, confident he could remember the commands.
He said, "Praise the Lord" and the horse took off running. The horse was indeed very fast, and the man knew he made the right decision.

However, when they were high in the mountains, the horse took off running towards the edge of a cliff!

"Stop! Stop!" the man yelled. He had forgotten the secret words to make the horse stop. Finally, when the man was resigned to his fate, he begged "Lord, please have mercy on me!" The horse heard the command and came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff.

The man was so happy, he yelled "Praise the Lord!"
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Wafflem on June 10, 2016, 05:32:39 PM
^ LOL XD

How do you greet a stack of hay?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: 607 on June 10, 2016, 07:47:02 PM
IchoTolot's is amazing, and I like the first two from Colorful Arty a lot too!
I already knew the last one, but with different phrases.
It's a very good one, though!
But Wafflem, the why did the Lemming cross the road, didn't namida already post that? :P
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Wafflem on June 10, 2016, 07:49:00 PM
Oops I didn't notice. :P Changed.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 11, 2016, 02:08:53 PM
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them "Do you all want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logicians says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on June 14, 2016, 03:02:14 AM
Why couldn't any of the animals play cards on Noah's Ark?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Wafflem on June 15, 2016, 02:44:33 PM
A panicked man runs into the veterinarian's office with a dying lemming. The vet brings him and the lemming to an examination and places the lemming on the examination table. After the vet examines the limp body of the lemming, she informs the man that the lemming, sadly, is dead.

The man is less than willing to accept this and asks for more tests. The vet goes to the back room and brings out a cat, and places the cat next to the lemming's body. The cat sniffs it, checking the lemming's green hair and feet and then gives a low-pitched meow to the vet. The vet tells the man that the cat thinks the lemming is dead.

The man still refuses to believe her, so the vet brings out a black Labrador. The Labrador sniffs the body from green hair to feet, and then gives a long, sad bark. The vet then tells the man that the Labrador also thinks the lemming is dead.

The man is forced to accept this, and then asks the vet how much it costs.

"$700," she said.
"WHAT?!" the man asks in a shocked tone. "$700 to tell me that my lemming is dead?"
"Well," the vet replies, "I would have charged you $50 for my diagnosis. The $650 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on July 03, 2016, 03:09:15 AM
Why were the Indians in America before we were?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: 607 on July 19, 2016, 08:43:25 AM
Quote from: Colorful Arty on June 10, 2016, 05:13:56 PM
It's difficult to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
After over a month and a lot of rereads, I finally get this one!
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on August 16, 2016, 02:27:29 AM
Here's a classic.

Buddha walks into a hot dog shop and orders "one with everything".
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on August 17, 2016, 09:44:24 PM
An old woman hobbles into a doctor's office with her back bent over in a lot of pain. A few minutes later she walks out standing up tall and straight. A person watching rushes over to the doctor to ask what he did to cure her. The doctor says; "I gave her a taller cane."


lol I forgot I already told this one earlier in this thread
----

A man and wife take a ride on a horse and carriage through the country. An old man is driving the horses. After a while, one of the horses steps in a pot hole and fumbles before getting his footing again and the carriage wobbles back and forth. They hear the driver say, to himself apparently, "that's one." The man and wife shrug and continue to look at the scenery. After a while the horse steps in another pothole and the carriage tips again. The driver says "that's two." Not long later the horse trips a third time, this time the carriage almost tips over. The driver shakes his head and says "That's three, I've gotta kill it." He stops the horses, takes out a large gun and shoots the horse dead.
The woman stands up and shouts "Oh my god! Why would you do that? It's an innocent animal! Just because it gave us a bumpy ride!?"
The driver sets his gun down, sits back down, glances at her and says "That's one."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Minim on August 23, 2016, 05:59:23 AM
For some reason I can't get the Buddha joke. Love the Cat and Noah's Ark jokes! :thumbsup:

Here are some of the funniest jokes unveiled from the Edinburgh Fringe. Below are five of my favourites out of the 15 best jokes of this year. (See here (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550) for the full list, see how many you can get!)

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…"
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask"
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first"
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on September 25, 2016, 07:08:37 PM
here's a program that randomly mixes up sound clips to make jokes. Put it into a blank web page to work.

*warning* it contains naughty language and sometimes utterly humorless, confusing stuff.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on January 13, 2017, 12:36:52 AM
What snack has mass appeal?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Colorful Arty on September 01, 2017, 05:26:00 PM
What's the best class for a stoner to take?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Nessy on September 01, 2017, 06:46:19 PM
This isn’t my joke; I read it a long time ago. I paraphrased it below because I don’t remember it exactly. I’m sorry if you don’t understand it and yes I do have a strange sense of humor.



Two mathematicians, mathematician A and B, walk into a bar. Mathematician A says to B, "You know what’s wrong with today's society? No one knows Calculus anymore".
"I'm sure," says mathematician A, "that there are still plenty of people that know Calculus".

Mathematician B goes to the bathroom. Mathematician A makes sure he is gone and then calls over the bartender. "When my friend comes back," he says, "I’m going to ask you a question and I want your response to be x cubed over 3".

The bartender looks confused, but then nods. Mathematician B comes back and mathematician A says, "You know what, I’m going to prove you wrong". He looks at the bartender and says, "Excuse me ma’am, but what is the integral of x squared?"

The bartender looks at him with the same confused expression, but then finally says, "x cubed over 3".

Mathematician A looks surprised, nods, and then says, "I guess I was wrong, people do-"

But then he was cut off as the bartender suddenly stops, turns around, and shouts, "Wrong! The integral of x squared is x cubed over three PLUS the constant of integration!"
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on September 02, 2017, 02:47:51 AM
A man comes home to his wife and says

"Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

she says; "Oh boy! What should I pack?"

he says; "I don't care, just pack and get the heck out!"

-------

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him suppositories. He goes home and after a week comes back and says to the doctor;

"These pills aren't working at all!"

The doctor says; "Are you sure you're taking them correctly?"

He says "of course! What am I supposed to do, shove em up my ass?"
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Nessy on September 02, 2017, 03:24:23 AM
Here's one my grandmother read and told me a while back. It was originally in Spanish so I did my best to translate it into English without losing the joke.


A couple is having trouble having a baby. They went to the doctor to get tested and the results came out as the following: the wife got "N" and the husband got "OUFP". The husband shouted out, "Ha, you're the one with the problem! You got N for Nope" and I got OUFP for "Ohmygosh you're Undeniable in your Freaking Prime". A doctor overheard them and said, "You are incorrect sir. Your wife got N for Normal, and you got OUFP for Only Useful For Peeing".
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: mobius on September 03, 2017, 12:55:40 AM
this one's a little dirty.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: chrisleec728 on September 04, 2017, 10:21:11 PM
A lemming walks into a bar carrying a pickax. The bartender looks up and sees him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve miners."
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Nessy on September 05, 2017, 12:45:47 AM
What did the element say to Copper and Tellurium?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: 607 on December 08, 2018, 09:09:56 PM
(I guess I can ignore the red text here, as people might want to reread these jokes as well as adding new ones ;))

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that no one runs in your family.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Metallica on February 20, 2019, 03:53:02 PM
- What would have to change if Polish streets accomplished the European law?
- The European law! XD
I'm Polish and sometimes this joke is really true...
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Nessy on July 30, 2019, 08:37:33 PM
Let's warm up this thread :D

1) My uncle is so extremely cheap that when he died and saw the light, he went towards the light and turned it off.

2) My wife always gives me a hard time on how horrible I am at directions. One day I got fed up with it, so I packed my bags and right the house.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Minim on July 31, 2019, 05:35:59 AM
Looks like Neesy's been inspired by RockLems and the possibility of a Metamorphic rank. This deserves to be revived because if that.

Oh yes, forgot about this thread. 8-) I must list my favourite jokes from last year's Edinburgh fringe. (There's more to come this year too, in a month's time. Looking forward to it)

- “Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto.

- I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.

- You let me write numbers on your hands. I knew I could count on you.

- No good at talking to women. I’m 28 and recently my Grandmother and I had the “are you gay conversation”. She isn’t.

- I’ve only got two weaknesses: being vague, and another weakness.

- I hate it when I’m trying to tell people about my cool new smart watch and they just keep shouting “Doctor, for the last time, please just tell us the time of death!”

- When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming.

- Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short.

- I’m super competitive which is like being competitive but better.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Minim on August 19, 2019, 10:03:05 AM
Alright! More jokes have been revealed from the fringe this year! Here are some of my personal favourites.

- "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"

- "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"

- "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"

- "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"

- "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"
It might be a cliché but that last joke reminds me of this famous level (https://lemmings.fandom.com/wiki/The_race_against_cliches) from a long time ago.

Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: Nessy on January 26, 2020, 01:55:29 AM
Corny jokes posted in another Discord server I'm a part of. Enjoy!

- Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

- Past, present, and future walked into a bar, it was tense.

- Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca walk into a bar. Yoda walked under it.

- Son: Daddy, I'm cold. Dad: Go in the corner. It's always 90 degrees over there.

- I got so bored watching the earth rotate, so after 24 hours I called it a day.
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: WillLem on February 03, 2020, 06:19:27 AM
Which word is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

What cheese do you use to encourage a bear to come with you?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Why did I name my horse "Treacle"?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I was up all night trying to work out where the sun was; then it dawned on me.

I tried playing football, but I wasn't any good. I just stood there trying to work out why the ball was getting bigger; then it hit me.

Someone once said "it's not rocket science!" to me when I was asking about something I didn't understand. To be fair, I was asking about how it would be possible to allow an object to defy gravity long enough to propel something extremely heavy away from the Earth, so they may have been wrong.

I was in a public restroom and there was some graffiti on the wall that said "Jesus saves...but Ronaldo scores on the rebound!"

And, an old favourite of mine... What did the robot say to the petrol pump?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: WillLem on February 06, 2020, 05:43:40 PM
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate,
Title: Re: Post some jokes here!
Post by: 607 on October 20, 2021, 12:38:34 PM
I just came across a joke in a textbook on Psycholinguistics that I'm not sure I'd read before!

The quack was selling a potion which he claimed would make men live to a great age. He claimed he himself was hale and hearty and over 300 years old. "Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the youthful assistant. "I can't say," said the assistant, "I've only worked with him 100 years."