How do you make a whale float?
Root bear, ice cream and a whale.
Why couldn't any of the animals play cards on Noah's Ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck
Why were the Indians in America before we were?
Because they had reservations.
this one's a little dirty.
two old men are sitting on a park bench and the one says
"I'm so old, I'm so, so old!"
The other one says; "I know how old you are."
he says; "you have no idea how old I am!"
the other says; "Stand up and I'll tell you how old you are." So the guy stands up and the other says; "now drop your pants."
"What? Why?"
"Just drop your pants, I'll be able to tell how old you are." So he drops his pants.
Then the guy says; "Now bend over and shove two fingers up your butt."
He goes; "there's people around! We're in public!"
"Just do it; I'll tell you how old you are!" So he bends over and shoves two fingers up his butthole. Then the man looks at him and says: "You're 95."
He says: "that's incredible! how could you tell?"
he says: "you told me yesterday."
What did the element say to Copper and Tellurium?
"I think you guys are CuTe."
Which word is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary?
What cheese do you use to encourage a bear to come with you?
Why did I name my horse "Treacle"? Because she had golden styrrups
I was up all night trying to work out where the sun was; then it dawned on me.
I tried playing football, but I wasn't any good. I just stood there trying to work out why the ball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
Someone once said "it's not rocket science!" to me when I was asking about something I didn't understand. To be fair, I was asking about how it would be possible to allow an object to defy gravity long enough to propel something extremely heavy away from the Earth, so they may have been wrong.
I was in a public restroom and there was some graffiti on the wall that said "Jesus saves...but Ronaldo scores on the rebound!"
And, an old favourite of mine... What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you!