Random Story

[Lemeri]

Thousands of horrible creatures, all of them created in the twisted image of a Lemming. With a start, he realized they all looked like him!
"Uh... OK boys! Form up against the right wall! Smile for the camera!" Lemmy said, waving his hand around and putting a cheesy smile on.

[Lemika]

"We are not here for your ... MAGIC PICTURE," the seeming leader of the group snarled. "We are here to... KILL YOU."
As one, they reached into their backpacks and pulled out climbing spikes. Then they attached them to their hands, and advanced on Lemmy with the light of madness and murder in their eyes.
"No... buddies! You don't want to do this!" Lemmy gasped, his eyes going wide with fear. "I'm YOU! You're all ME! We are ONE and the SAME!"
They stared at him. There was was no intelligence in their dead eyes. Lemmy was horrified.
"Great Chaos Gods!" Lemmy screamed. "If you're like me, then... then I must be... like you!"
They stared at him. Some of them had even gone slackjawed.
Slowly, Lemmy reached his hands up and gouged his own eyes out. Then he fell to the ground in a pool of blood, and his world once again faded to blackness...

... This time, though, he awoke in precisely the same spot in which he had fallen, and the lifeless mob still surrounded him. Only problem was, he was minus both his eyes.
Strangely, he could still see. This gave him a kind of exalted relief.
"It must be my demon powers!" Lemmy exclaimed. "Only they could save me from blindness."
Ignoring the complete illogic of his statement, Lemmy stood, thrust out his arms, and started yelling in a garbled tongue.
All his clones fell dead.

Lemmy, drained, sagged to the floor. He felt somebody behind him, and looked up, to stare into the unblinking faceplate of...

[Lemeri]

The automatic butler.
"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHEESE WITH YOUR WHINE?" it asked.
"Uh... Two things. I'm not having wine, and you're eating my eyes." Lemmy said, staring oddly at the robot.
"NO, I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT THESE ARE NOT YOUR EYES. BUT IF YOU WANT THEM, THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT." It pulled out two oversized green olives and slammed them into his skull.

[Lemika]

Lemmy screamed and writhed with pain as the olive juices seeped down his face and into his brain simultaneously.
"What have you done to me?" he wailed, pitching sideways into the bloody, mutilated remains of one of his clones. "I'll never... see again!"
There was a long pause, filled only by Lemmy's bitter weeping.

"WE HAVE NON-ALCOHOLIC GIN, WHISKEY, VODKA. LOOKS THE SAME, TASTES THE SAME," the mechanical butler grated, breaking the silence.
"Damn you!" Lemmy snarled. "You blinded me for life, and you dare ask me what sort of non-alcoholic beverage I want? I want VODKA, curse it all, and I want the alcohol as well!"
"YES, SIR," the butler intoned. "AS I SAID, THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS CORRECT."
There was another pause, and then several bottles of vodka spewed forth from a slot in the demonic convenience machine.
"Th-thank you!" Lemmy gulped, and proceeded to glug down all the bottles at once.
He slumped into a dazed, drunken stupor, and then started singing sea chanties. The mechanical butler joined in in a bizarre, cacaphonaus harmonic.

And that was where Xan Kriegor found Lemmy. "I'm not surprised, kid," Xan growled, leaning against the wall.

[Timballisto]

Then Lemmy regrew his eyeballs, and they had heat vision upgrades.  The automated butler said
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO EXPLODE?" Lemmy thought for a brief second.
"...yes."
"THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  YES, RIGHT AWAY SIR!"
So, the butler began vibrating, and his metal exterior began heating up and turned bright red.  Eventually, there was a big firey explosion and the butler flew into a million pieces!  A large plume of smoke filled the room.  Lemmy choked on the smoke.  Shortly before the smoke cleared, Lemmy heard
"WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING ELSE SIR?"
"...um...sure.   Destroy all of my enemies."
"THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  OF COURSE.  ALL ENEMIES OF  LEMMY *LAST NAME CENSORED!!!!* SHALL BE DESTROYED."  The automated butler went off to find Xan!

An indestructible butler vs. an indestructible cyborg.  Interesting.

"Well, he's gone, and hopefully Xan will be too...permanently."  Lemmy said in a disgusted tone.
"...I'm hungry..." Lemmy said.  He dug into the boxes to find piping hot pepperoni pizza!  "Oh boy!" Lemmy said.  He began to eat the pizza.
-----------------------------
Man, do I feel like eating some pizza right now!
X_X

[Lemika]

As it turned out, Xan solved the problem by locking the automatic butler in an indestructable box, loading it into a spaceship, and setting it on a direct, unalterable course for the nearest sun.
Then he walked back towards Lemmy, dusting off his hands, and casually stole Lemmy's pizza.
"Hey!" Lemmy yelled, groping wildly for the pizza, but Xan had already tossed it down the hatch (quite literally).
"Xan," Lemmy whined, "Why do you have to steal all of my food? Do you want me to starve?"
"Of course not, kid," Xan said, clapping Lemmy on the back. "I'm your friend."
Lemmy stared at Xan in shock. And then...

[Lemeri]

He callapsed in a heap on the floor. His head fell forward and hit the floor like a ripe grapefruit.

[Timballisto]

When Lemmy woke up, he looked at Xan quizically, and asked, mystified
"But...Xan...You and I have been enemies through out the entire course of this aimless wandering idiotic story.  Why...why the sudden change of heart?  Oh, and would you let me have some pizza already?"
"Alright, sure."  Xan handed Lemmy a slice.  He did not hesitate to gobble it down. "Well, I don't know.  The authors kind of agreed on it, so I went with it, and now we're buddies.  We've been through a lot together...of course, we were enemies, but nevertheless.  We are now the invincible allies!".......

[Lemeri]

"Really?... Friends?" Lemmy asked, a clueless look on his face as he slowly chewed the Pizza. Suddenly, something hit him on the back, and he doubled over. He bit the end of his tongue off and coughed most of his insides up.

[Timballisto]

He woke up in a giant sea.  He was still unsure of Xan.

[Lemeri]

And then it hit him. He doubled over in agony and sunk beneath the waves. He watched in wonder, and then anger as bubbles seeped from his mouth.
"XAN! I'm not dying!" Lemmy shouted.
"Now there's a surprise" Xan said, snidely.
"I'll... I'll wipe that factory made smirk off your wretched mass produced face!"

[Timballisto]

*presses the STOP button*

This story is getting really boring and predictable.  Could we please cut down on the Xan just a little?  Thanks.

*presses the PLAY button*

[Lemeri]

[OK, I'll do something different]

So Lemmy did. Xan broke into little peices. Suddenly, a swirling black vortex appeared in front of him, and he was transported to a old western tavern.
"What's with ye freaky hair, eh?" A old man asked him. The old man took a long pull on a bottle of whisky.
"My... My hair? Oh. My hair. Right. Well, nothing seems to be wrong with it... Of course... Something could be wrong with it, and me not knowing... Hmm..." Lemmy mused.
"Weirdo." The old man muttered. Suddenly...

[Timballisto]

Lemmy knifed the guy and dragged his body out the back.  He threw him into a pile of trash.  Everyone might just mistake him for a dead tramp if he could dress the wound well enough.  He worked quickly and efficiently, and, the old man did indeed look like a tramp that had just died out on the streets.
"There's nothin' wrong with my hair."  Lemmy said in a low angry tone.

[Lemika]

Snarling with incoherent rage, Lemmy stalked back into the tavern. He was greeted with a chorus of cheers, and arms flailing wildly in the air.
"What did I do?" he asked. And then his eyes fell on the center of the room.
It was the old man, laid to rest in an ornate wooden coffin in the center of the room. There was a plaque near it reading 'Slain by the hand of Lemmy the Great'.
Lemmy blinked.
"Hear ye, my people!" he shouted, a sudden chaotic impulse seizing him. He crouched and sprung easily onto the coffin, his head darting from side to side. "I slew this man! And why do you think I did that?"
There was silence from the house.
"Because he insulted my hair, that's why!" Lemmy shouted, pumping his arm in the air, said hair flying every which way. He gnashed his teeth. "And if any other insult me thusly -- THEIR DEATHS SHALL FOLLOW!"
Silence, then roaring applause. To Lemmy's surprise, the seething crowd jostled around, picked him up, and carried him to the Town Square, cheering all the while.
Lemmy wondered what would happen to him this time.